Favorite Thing -- Top 5 Zombie Movies

Why do I like zombie movies so much? It's rather out-of-character for me, as I'm not a 13-year-old boy or a 40-year-old comic book obsessive. I'm pretty sure I'm not the target demographic. I don't even find most horror movies scary or entertaining (the Carpenter classic Halloween and the oh-my-God-being-raised-Catholic-was-scary-enough-without-this-shit terror of The Exorcist not withstanding), but I freakin' love zombie movies.

There is something underlying the idea of the shuffling undead that scares me more than some fake CGI nonsense. It's more representative of something that could happen to me than some ghost story to me. Let me explain ...

I love that George Romero used the zombie as a metaphor for how passive modern society makes us -- as mindless consumers, as subjects to our government (oy, you should hear my family's current conspiracy theories on the FEMA concentration camps that are supposedly being built for some nefarious future purpose), and as people who trust so much in science but forget how little we actually know.

There's also the physicality of a zombie movie -- sure, the Zombies could be the classic slow, shuffling type of the 2004-era Dawn of the Dead overly aggressive type that run faster than me on my best day -- but either way, they're going to be in your face (literally) at some point and need to be dealt with. Like, you have to stop them by force ... by shooting them in the head. There's no ignoring the zombies or just getting out of town while the whole thing blows over (they'll be all over your timeshare condo, trust). Oh, and your friends and family may become amoral hunks of flesh that you have to blow the skulls off, too. How does seeing a vaporized ghost compete with that?

Honestly, the undead banging on the windows or doors of your home (or the shopping mall you've holed up in) freaks me out. It makes me think of hordes of invading armies, something which, thankfully, I've never dealt with in my lifetime. Sort of like how that scene in Red Dawn where the Soviet paratroopers can be seen dropping in through the high school windows (RIP Patrick Swazye, by the way) always stuck with me as a child. It's the oh-shit-they're here factor. You can't just sell your haunted house or get that little old lady from Poltergeist in for a seance. There's no time for shit like that with a zombie attack. It's time to get a rifle and hope your hand doesn't shake too much when they're breaking through the barricaded door. (I mean zombies, not Russians. We're friends now right, Russia? *giggles nervously*)

Zombie movies also expose that pink underbelly so many of us urbanites have -- our complete reliance on industry and commerce in our daily lives. Seriously, if I was trapped in my little place for more than 3 days I'd be dead. I think I have like 2 Slimfasts and a bag of pretzels on hand at any time. And that whole running through a crowd of zombies to get to the truck/boat/Winchester Tavern for safety? Aaack!!

Many have pointed out, correctly, that the faux diseases and viruses often underpinning the plots of zombie movies couldn't spread as quickly as portrayed. Epidemiology says that outbreaks are isolated, and the spread of most contagions can be followed and quarantines set up. I think that's missing the point somewhat. Sure, I'm not actually afraid of the undead coming for my brains after some mega-Ebola outbreak, but have you ever seen how the unwashed masses act in a public emergency? If swine flu really hits us, and people are out sick to a degree that food transport or utilities are disrupted, shit'll hit the fan. No joke. After Hurricane Rita, I went to the gas station one afternoon and found a complete zoo. The lines were about 5 cars deep at this small Chevron station, and I witnessed 2 women get in a fist fight after both tried to pull in from opposite sides of the same pump. All because of the fear that what happened during Katrina would happen here. In the middle of Texas. Five hours from the Gulf of Mexico. Batshit crazy. Soylent Green is people, indeed.

It's not so much the zombies that freak me out. It's the illustration of immediate danger and societal chaos that pees my pants.

I Am Not Oprah's Favorite Things' Top 5 Zombie Movies
5. Dawn of the Dead -- The 2004 version is actually really good. Sarah Polley is such a great actress -- I love that she doesn't act like the typical woman in distress here (despite what she has to deal with in the beginning, but I won't spoil it). And any movie where people are trapped in a shopping mall is great fun. The ending with the video found on the boat .. holy crap. Scary. But better than a wimp-out ending. Dawn of the Dead is one of the best remakes I've seen.


4. 28 Days Later --While not technically zombies, this movie taps into a weird fear: you wake up in a hospital to find the outside a totally different world from the one you left. Imagine a zombie flick where you don't even get a headstart!! Poor Cillian Murphy has to figure out what happened and quickly get with the program. Oh, and the military isn't always a great help when shit goes down, fyi.


3. Shaun of the Dead -- A comedy, but by folks who know and love the genre. Check out Simon Pegg in Spaced if you haven't seen the Britcom before.


2. Omega Man -- Okay, they're not zombies, but mutants. But it has biological warfare and Heston! Way better than that Will Smith atrocity I am Legend.


1. Night of the Living Dead -- Just classic. I have nothing to add here that hasn't been said millions of times before.


Honorable mention:
Night of the Comet -- Pure 80s goodness