As I sit here trying to compose a post, my neighbor is singing "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys. I shit you not.
And yes, he's continuing with several lyrics. Not just the chorus then.
God help me.
When did people lose their concept of public versus private behavior? A bit of a loaded question -- he's not exactly posting his bits on the Internet over there, but our balconies are not but 2 feet away, and facing one another. He is facing me at this very moment, belting out a few bars of a substandard pop song with a video featuring a feather-haired John Stamos (ah, thank goodness he just stopped) while I type away on a keyboard. Really, is this some passive-aggressive thing? Or does he think I may appreciate the soundtrack?
Apologies for the Twitteresque post. It had to be shared.
This doesn't, but I'll do it anyway.
Do Not Want -- Kokomo
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Kind of on the Fence About -- Top 5 Schadenfreude Websites
I love a good laugh at the expense of others as much as the next guy. And if you like laughing at strangers from the comfort of your own home then the Internet was made for you (Google's Do No Evil creed aside).
If you laugh watching people fall down stairs (who doesn't) or love making LOLCats-esque captions on found photos to send to friends, heh, I'm right there with you. I love that shit. I'll read your Tumbler blog devoted to bad mom jeans, and I was mocking mullets online when the Internet was in its diapers. It's just my own personal sense of vulnerability that keeps me from really loving all the new sites dedicated to pointing fingers at losers.
We're at a different place on the Web and in terms of technology, and because of this, any one of us could become the target of the scorn we heap on others from a distance. I'm well aware of the fact that I personally am getting older and am not the hep cat I once was. Who's to say the little number I throw together to go to the CVS at 3 am won't get cameraphoned by some high schooler and posted online because it makes my already-substantial rear look even more imposing? Or what if, after years of laughing at the poor, hamfisted, accidental Reply-to-Alls in various workplaces I make some embarrassing technological gaffe that is immediately captured as a screen shot to be shared across the Innertubes? What if I someday become a meme, a really bad meme!!
So it is with heavy heart, but still with a smirk, we ambivalently present IANOFT's Top 5 Schadenfreude Sites:
5. Lamebook -- Pretty funny Facebook blunders, made bittersweet when you consider the possible biological age/mental age of the people making the posts. The posts in which parents are calling out their youngsters within the discussion threads ("Who here's a virgin?" "Oh crap, sorry Mom, forgot I friended you") make me happy, though.
4. People of Walmart -- This site actually has a link for its hate mail (I love that), but really the haters have a weak argument. Are you being a big meanie if you post a picture of a 300-pound man wearing a thong and see-through bicycle shorts? Or are you chastising a very cruel and disrespectful 300-pound man and hopefully teaching him a lesson in social etiquette and manners. We should all consult our local priests and regroup on this important question.
3. This is Why You're Fat -- Oh, those people who occasionally eat shitty food. You're sooo much better than they are, aren't you? No, I'm not fat because I eat a cake made of 3 pizzas with Twinkies, ranch dressing, french fries, Rocky Road ice cream and bacon bits stuffed in between the layers. I'm just big boned. And this site made me totally crave a Monte Cristo sandwich, by the way.
2. The Dirty -- I don't club. And this site makes me glad I don't. If you looked at someone cross-eyed at a bar or dance club, chances are they put you on "blast, yo" on this site. The moderator/site owner (?) Nik seems like kind of a dick as he chimes in with insults (particularly regarding women's bodies), but there's some sort of needy Internet stardom the fake-baked, implanted and Ed Hardy-bedecked young people here are looking for. But there's also something weirdly intriguing about knowing who's a total player in your city. As I said, on the fence. Check here for your pics before job interviews.
1. Why the F Do You Have a Kid -- Honestly, this one will make you nervous for humanity. Even more so than you were before. Site NSFW, or a well-adjusted night-terror-free life.
If you laugh watching people fall down stairs (who doesn't) or love making LOLCats-esque captions on found photos to send to friends, heh, I'm right there with you. I love that shit. I'll read your Tumbler blog devoted to bad mom jeans, and I was mocking mullets online when the Internet was in its diapers. It's just my own personal sense of vulnerability that keeps me from really loving all the new sites dedicated to pointing fingers at losers.
We're at a different place on the Web and in terms of technology, and because of this, any one of us could become the target of the scorn we heap on others from a distance. I'm well aware of the fact that I personally am getting older and am not the hep cat I once was. Who's to say the little number I throw together to go to the CVS at 3 am won't get cameraphoned by some high schooler and posted online because it makes my already-substantial rear look even more imposing? Or what if, after years of laughing at the poor, hamfisted, accidental Reply-to-Alls in various workplaces I make some embarrassing technological gaffe that is immediately captured as a screen shot to be shared across the Innertubes? What if I someday become a meme, a really bad meme!!
So it is with heavy heart, but still with a smirk, we ambivalently present IANOFT's Top 5 Schadenfreude Sites:
5. Lamebook -- Pretty funny Facebook blunders, made bittersweet when you consider the possible biological age/mental age of the people making the posts. The posts in which parents are calling out their youngsters within the discussion threads ("Who here's a virgin?" "Oh crap, sorry Mom, forgot I friended you") make me happy, though.
4. People of Walmart -- This site actually has a link for its hate mail (I love that), but really the haters have a weak argument. Are you being a big meanie if you post a picture of a 300-pound man wearing a thong and see-through bicycle shorts? Or are you chastising a very cruel and disrespectful 300-pound man and hopefully teaching him a lesson in social etiquette and manners. We should all consult our local priests and regroup on this important question.
3. This is Why You're Fat -- Oh, those people who occasionally eat shitty food. You're sooo much better than they are, aren't you? No, I'm not fat because I eat a cake made of 3 pizzas with Twinkies, ranch dressing, french fries, Rocky Road ice cream and bacon bits stuffed in between the layers. I'm just big boned. And this site made me totally crave a Monte Cristo sandwich, by the way.
2. The Dirty -- I don't club. And this site makes me glad I don't. If you looked at someone cross-eyed at a bar or dance club, chances are they put you on "blast, yo" on this site. The moderator/site owner (?) Nik seems like kind of a dick as he chimes in with insults (particularly regarding women's bodies), but there's some sort of needy Internet stardom the fake-baked, implanted and Ed Hardy-bedecked young people here are looking for. But there's also something weirdly intriguing about knowing who's a total player in your city. As I said, on the fence. Check here for your pics before job interviews.
1. Why the F Do You Have a Kid -- Honestly, this one will make you nervous for humanity. Even more so than you were before. Site NSFW, or a well-adjusted night-terror-free life.
Monday, November 2, 2009
You Will Be Missed -- Richard Lawson's NYC Prep Recaps from Gawker
Ok, first off, could I be less timely with these posts? NYC Prep was on for a hot minute this summer and Lawson left Gawker before the season even ended. Despite that, I have to share. I told you this blog was random.
Like I said, this is super old news. But, the odd fantasy world Mr. Lawson has created within his recaps, which sometimes wander into Salinger meets Cheever meets Updike-like yarn-spinning narration, for the horrendous, borderline-irresponsible (join with me for the popular refrain of "Where are the parents?!) NYC Prep are worth returning to.
A little bit on NYC Prep: It's about a bunch of rich kids in New York who are held up for our ridicule. A little unfair in terms of a concept, no doubt. While we should have no compunction about mocking the frankly unbearable Vickies of Orange County or the vapidness of the bewigged Kims of Atlanta, the NYC crowd is underage, right? Is there some sort of Statutory Humiliation law in this country?
But Lawson's brilliantly observed tracts are littered with wonderful imagery, word choice (the lone public school girl in NYC Prep is named "Rags McTattershanty" in his posts)and insight that ameliorate one's shame at actually having watched this television abortion. And the feeling one gets in reading these pieces, that this gifted writer is battling with the idea that he is writing about frickin reality show teenagers to pay the billz, but still working to create something of value from this meaningless Bravo nonsense is at once inspiring and worthy of buckets of empathy for those of us contemplating our own cubicle-trapped days. And despite his mockery, his posts are never mean. In fact, his recaps recall the winsome turmoil of youth in a way the Bravo atrocity exhibition never did.*
So, Mr. Lawson, good on you sir. I will return to your Gawker archives with zeal.
*Disclosure: I will continue to watch whatever atrocities Bravo continues to churn out. It can't be helped.
Like I said, this is super old news. But, the odd fantasy world Mr. Lawson has created within his recaps, which sometimes wander into Salinger meets Cheever meets Updike-like yarn-spinning narration, for the horrendous, borderline-irresponsible (join with me for the popular refrain of "Where are the parents?!) NYC Prep are worth returning to.
A little bit on NYC Prep: It's about a bunch of rich kids in New York who are held up for our ridicule. A little unfair in terms of a concept, no doubt. While we should have no compunction about mocking the frankly unbearable Vickies of Orange County or the vapidness of the bewigged Kims of Atlanta, the NYC crowd is underage, right? Is there some sort of Statutory Humiliation law in this country?
But Lawson's brilliantly observed tracts are littered with wonderful imagery, word choice (the lone public school girl in NYC Prep is named "Rags McTattershanty" in his posts)and insight that ameliorate one's shame at actually having watched this television abortion. And the feeling one gets in reading these pieces, that this gifted writer is battling with the idea that he is writing about frickin reality show teenagers to pay the billz, but still working to create something of value from this meaningless Bravo nonsense is at once inspiring and worthy of buckets of empathy for those of us contemplating our own cubicle-trapped days. And despite his mockery, his posts are never mean. In fact, his recaps recall the winsome turmoil of youth in a way the Bravo atrocity exhibition never did.*
So, Mr. Lawson, good on you sir. I will return to your Gawker archives with zeal.
*Disclosure: I will continue to watch whatever atrocities Bravo continues to churn out. It can't be helped.
Favorite Thing -- Mad Men
Yep, not exactly stepping out on a limb with this one. Everyone loves AMC's Mad Men. You would be ostracized in some cocktail-sipping circles for not watching Mad Men.
It's a quiet, more deliberately paced television show than we've seen in a long time on non-premium cable (or ever?), and for some reason, the workplace-based show soothes me on Sunday nights as I fitfully think of the week ahead. And makes me yearn for a time when everyone had an office with a couch and could take 3-hour lunches. But that's another post.
The Atlantic has an interesting piece this month on why Mad Men works, and why it sometimes doesn't. I laughed at Benjamin Schwarz' comment that we like Mad Men because the New York Times' Style section tells us to (funny 'cuz it's true), but I don't buy into his theory that we like the un-PC elements of Mad Men because they make us feel a smug satisfaction, that we are so far beyond the implicit racism/sexism/classism of the early 60s. I think any other show would dwell on these elements, whereas Mad Men weaves the conventional wisdom of the time into the fabric of the show far better than other television dramas I've seen in the past. It serves to inform the characters rather than as a prop, or blunt reminder of the period setting -- I think it's a well-informed exercise in showing rather than telling, a mistake so many blundering narratives make. Just one girl talking. Anyhoo, his take on Betty Draper/January Jones' acting is spot on, though -- I hadn't been able to pin down what was off with her character but I've always thought Betty rang a bit false...
Head over to the Atlantic to read the whole piece:
It's a quiet, more deliberately paced television show than we've seen in a long time on non-premium cable (or ever?), and for some reason, the workplace-based show soothes me on Sunday nights as I fitfully think of the week ahead. And makes me yearn for a time when everyone had an office with a couch and could take 3-hour lunches. But that's another post.
The Atlantic has an interesting piece this month on why Mad Men works, and why it sometimes doesn't. I laughed at Benjamin Schwarz' comment that we like Mad Men because the New York Times' Style section tells us to (funny 'cuz it's true), but I don't buy into his theory that we like the un-PC elements of Mad Men because they make us feel a smug satisfaction, that we are so far beyond the implicit racism/sexism/classism of the early 60s. I think any other show would dwell on these elements, whereas Mad Men weaves the conventional wisdom of the time into the fabric of the show far better than other television dramas I've seen in the past. It serves to inform the characters rather than as a prop, or blunt reminder of the period setting -- I think it's a well-informed exercise in showing rather than telling, a mistake so many blundering narratives make. Just one girl talking. Anyhoo, his take on Betty Draper/January Jones' acting is spot on, though -- I hadn't been able to pin down what was off with her character but I've always thought Betty rang a bit false...
Head over to the Atlantic to read the whole piece:
What’s wrong—and what’s gloriously right—with AMC’s hit show
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Do Not Want -- Random people posting quotes by other random people
Okay, I'm pretty easy going, and I hate flaming other people on the Web for doing their thing. For God's sake, look at this blog. I'm not exactly blazing new trails on the information highway. There's one Web rule we all need to agree to and communicate out to our fellow time-wasters, post-haste:
A quotation is not a Status Update.
In it's very definition, a Satus Update is, well, and update on your status. What's going on with you today (or this minute, if you're one of those people who can't get your fingers off your Twitter)? What are you working on? A Mark Twain quote tells me neither of those things.
I'm not talking about the quote from a drunk friend the night before, or even the now-hoary-old-chestnut that is a Big Lebowski mention. I'm talking about those random, "Go get 'em, Tiger" quotes that are popping up everywhere I look. Listen, that's super-cool of you to want to motivate me and everyone else you tangentially know with a few inspirational words from somebody else. Super appreciate it. Yet, it's totally unnecessary. And I kind of don't want to see it anymore. Really. I can Google Bartlett's, too, if I have the urge.
I'm seeing fewer of these on Facebook (I think I unfriended most of the perpetrators in my circle), but I still see them on the roided-out MBA-having arrogance-fest that is LinkedIn. In case you don't use LinkedIn, it's basically Facebook for people who want something from you (a job, a fake recommendation that ignores their actual incompetence, etc) in exchange for the promise of a reciprocating action when you need something in the future. It's allegedly called networking, but we'll call it what it is. But I digress.
Kind of embarrassing, really.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Favorite Thing -- Top 5 Zombie Movies
Why do I like zombie movies so much? It's rather out-of-character for me, as I'm not a 13-year-old boy or a 40-year-old comic book obsessive. I'm pretty sure I'm not the target demographic. I don't even find most horror movies scary or entertaining (the Carpenter classic Halloween and the oh-my-God-being-raised-Catholic-was-scary-enough-without-this-shit terror of The Exorcist not withstanding), but I freakin' love zombie movies.
There is something underlying the idea of the shuffling undead that scares me more than some fake CGI nonsense. It's more representative of something that could happen to me than some ghost story to me. Let me explain ...
I love that George Romero used the zombie as a metaphor for how passive modern society makes us -- as mindless consumers, as subjects to our government (oy, you should hear my family's current conspiracy theories on the FEMA concentration camps that are supposedly being built for some nefarious future purpose), and as people who trust so much in science but forget how little we actually know.
There's also the physicality of a zombie movie -- sure, the Zombies could be the classic slow, shuffling type of the 2004-era Dawn of the Dead overly aggressive type that run faster than me on my best day -- but either way, they're going to be in your face (literally) at some point and need to be dealt with. Like, you have to stop them by force ... by shooting them in the head. There's no ignoring the zombies or just getting out of town while the whole thing blows over (they'll be all over your timeshare condo, trust). Oh, and your friends and family may become amoral hunks of flesh that you have to blow the skulls off, too. How does seeing a vaporized ghost compete with that?
Honestly, the undead banging on the windows or doors of your home (or the shopping mall you've holed up in) freaks me out. It makes me think of hordes of invading armies, something which, thankfully, I've never dealt with in my lifetime. Sort of like how that scene in Red Dawn where the Soviet paratroopers can be seen dropping in through the high school windows (RIP Patrick Swazye, by the way) always stuck with me as a child. It's the oh-shit-they're here factor. You can't just sell your haunted house or get that little old lady from Poltergeist in for a seance. There's no time for shit like that with a zombie attack. It's time to get a rifle and hope your hand doesn't shake too much when they're breaking through the barricaded door. (I mean zombies, not Russians. We're friends now right, Russia? *giggles nervously*)
Zombie movies also expose that pink underbelly so many of us urbanites have -- our complete reliance on industry and commerce in our daily lives. Seriously, if I was trapped in my little place for more than 3 days I'd be dead. I think I have like 2 Slimfasts and a bag of pretzels on hand at any time. And that whole running through a crowd of zombies to get to the truck/boat/Winchester Tavern for safety? Aaack!!
Many have pointed out, correctly, that the faux diseases and viruses often underpinning the plots of zombie movies couldn't spread as quickly as portrayed. Epidemiology says that outbreaks are isolated, and the spread of most contagions can be followed and quarantines set up. I think that's missing the point somewhat. Sure, I'm not actually afraid of the undead coming for my brains after some mega-Ebola outbreak, but have you ever seen how the unwashed masses act in a public emergency? If swine flu really hits us, and people are out sick to a degree that food transport or utilities are disrupted, shit'll hit the fan. No joke. After Hurricane Rita, I went to the gas station one afternoon and found a complete zoo. The lines were about 5 cars deep at this small Chevron station, and I witnessed 2 women get in a fist fight after both tried to pull in from opposite sides of the same pump. All because of the fear that what happened during Katrina would happen here. In the middle of Texas. Five hours from the Gulf of Mexico. Batshit crazy. Soylent Green is people, indeed.
It's not so much the zombies that freak me out. It's the illustration of immediate danger and societal chaos that pees my pants.
I Am Not Oprah's Favorite Things' Top 5 Zombie Movies
5. Dawn of the Dead -- The 2004 version is actually really good. Sarah Polley is such a great actress -- I love that she doesn't act like the typical woman in distress here (despite what she has to deal with in the beginning, but I won't spoil it). And any movie where people are trapped in a shopping mall is great fun. The ending with the video found on the boat .. holy crap. Scary. But better than a wimp-out ending. Dawn of the Dead is one of the best remakes I've seen.
4. 28 Days Later --While not technically zombies, this movie taps into a weird fear: you wake up in a hospital to find the outside a totally different world from the one you left. Imagine a zombie flick where you don't even get a headstart!! Poor Cillian Murphy has to figure out what happened and quickly get with the program. Oh, and the military isn't always a great help when shit goes down, fyi.
3. Shaun of the Dead -- A comedy, but by folks who know and love the genre. Check out Simon Pegg in Spaced if you haven't seen the Britcom before.
2. Omega Man -- Okay, they're not zombies, but mutants. But it has biological warfare and Heston! Way better than that Will Smith atrocity I am Legend.
1. Night of the Living Dead -- Just classic. I have nothing to add here that hasn't been said millions of times before.
Honorable mention:
Night of the Comet -- Pure 80s goodness
There is something underlying the idea of the shuffling undead that scares me more than some fake CGI nonsense. It's more representative of something that could happen to me than some ghost story to me. Let me explain ...
I love that George Romero used the zombie as a metaphor for how passive modern society makes us -- as mindless consumers, as subjects to our government (oy, you should hear my family's current conspiracy theories on the FEMA concentration camps that are supposedly being built for some nefarious future purpose), and as people who trust so much in science but forget how little we actually know.
There's also the physicality of a zombie movie -- sure, the Zombies could be the classic slow, shuffling type of the 2004-era Dawn of the Dead overly aggressive type that run faster than me on my best day -- but either way, they're going to be in your face (literally) at some point and need to be dealt with. Like, you have to stop them by force ... by shooting them in the head. There's no ignoring the zombies or just getting out of town while the whole thing blows over (they'll be all over your timeshare condo, trust). Oh, and your friends and family may become amoral hunks of flesh that you have to blow the skulls off, too. How does seeing a vaporized ghost compete with that?
Honestly, the undead banging on the windows or doors of your home (or the shopping mall you've holed up in) freaks me out. It makes me think of hordes of invading armies, something which, thankfully, I've never dealt with in my lifetime. Sort of like how that scene in Red Dawn where the Soviet paratroopers can be seen dropping in through the high school windows (RIP Patrick Swazye, by the way) always stuck with me as a child. It's the oh-shit-they're here factor. You can't just sell your haunted house or get that little old lady from Poltergeist in for a seance. There's no time for shit like that with a zombie attack. It's time to get a rifle and hope your hand doesn't shake too much when they're breaking through the barricaded door. (I mean zombies, not Russians. We're friends now right, Russia? *giggles nervously*)
Zombie movies also expose that pink underbelly so many of us urbanites have -- our complete reliance on industry and commerce in our daily lives. Seriously, if I was trapped in my little place for more than 3 days I'd be dead. I think I have like 2 Slimfasts and a bag of pretzels on hand at any time. And that whole running through a crowd of zombies to get to the truck/boat/Winchester Tavern for safety? Aaack!!
Many have pointed out, correctly, that the faux diseases and viruses often underpinning the plots of zombie movies couldn't spread as quickly as portrayed. Epidemiology says that outbreaks are isolated, and the spread of most contagions can be followed and quarantines set up. I think that's missing the point somewhat. Sure, I'm not actually afraid of the undead coming for my brains after some mega-Ebola outbreak, but have you ever seen how the unwashed masses act in a public emergency? If swine flu really hits us, and people are out sick to a degree that food transport or utilities are disrupted, shit'll hit the fan. No joke. After Hurricane Rita, I went to the gas station one afternoon and found a complete zoo. The lines were about 5 cars deep at this small Chevron station, and I witnessed 2 women get in a fist fight after both tried to pull in from opposite sides of the same pump. All because of the fear that what happened during Katrina would happen here. In the middle of Texas. Five hours from the Gulf of Mexico. Batshit crazy. Soylent Green is people, indeed.
It's not so much the zombies that freak me out. It's the illustration of immediate danger and societal chaos that pees my pants.
I Am Not Oprah's Favorite Things' Top 5 Zombie Movies
5. Dawn of the Dead -- The 2004 version is actually really good. Sarah Polley is such a great actress -- I love that she doesn't act like the typical woman in distress here (despite what she has to deal with in the beginning, but I won't spoil it). And any movie where people are trapped in a shopping mall is great fun. The ending with the video found on the boat .. holy crap. Scary. But better than a wimp-out ending. Dawn of the Dead is one of the best remakes I've seen.
4. 28 Days Later --While not technically zombies, this movie taps into a weird fear: you wake up in a hospital to find the outside a totally different world from the one you left. Imagine a zombie flick where you don't even get a headstart!! Poor Cillian Murphy has to figure out what happened and quickly get with the program. Oh, and the military isn't always a great help when shit goes down, fyi.
3. Shaun of the Dead -- A comedy, but by folks who know and love the genre. Check out Simon Pegg in Spaced if you haven't seen the Britcom before.
2. Omega Man -- Okay, they're not zombies, but mutants. But it has biological warfare and Heston! Way better than that Will Smith atrocity I am Legend.
1. Night of the Living Dead -- Just classic. I have nothing to add here that hasn't been said millions of times before.
Honorable mention:
Night of the Comet -- Pure 80s goodness
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